you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
