I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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