my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
