I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
