I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
