how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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