I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
