Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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