i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
