A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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