I'm lost and stupid without you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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