Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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