You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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