the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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