She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
