Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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