I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
