she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
