the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
