Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He has the fingertips of a God
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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