My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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