The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize