Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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