My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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