the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
