she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
