Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
