My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
