Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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