he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
