well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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