ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
