I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
