At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize