BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
