I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
