Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
