this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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