the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
