my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
