I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
