I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
