she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
