im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
