Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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