I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is the high leading the old right now
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
