Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
