Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
