Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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