checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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