Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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