Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
