How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
