walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
