I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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