I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
