My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
