theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
