Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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