bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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