I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
