I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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